I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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