If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
