Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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