So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
