she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My vagina is very pro this idea
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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