small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
