Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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