3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Pooping to opera.
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