Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
