I want you more than these girls want KFC
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
