Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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