I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
