Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
