He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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