haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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