Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
