i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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