I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
