By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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