I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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