If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
