He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
