I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
