He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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