Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
