i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
