Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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