My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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