I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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