Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
