I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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