I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
