it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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