woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
