There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
