just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
