Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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