btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
