I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
