I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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