You smell like a Billy Joel song
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
whose parrot is this?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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