Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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