I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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