its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Did you just see the Batmobile???
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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