Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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