If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
