Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
