listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
