Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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