Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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