i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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