OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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